Amazing Things People Actually Buy… Truck Nuts

I’m constantly amazed at the things that people will spend their hard earned money on.  Truck nuts for instance.  Someone has to actually stand there looking at these things and make a conscious decision that this is a worthwhile investment of their income.

For some reason I can’t picture myself saying, “You know, I think I need a pair of plastic/metal/carbon fiber testicles hanging from the back of my truck.”

Don’t get me wrong… I think these are a hilarious product to produce.  But you have to be a special kind of stupid to actually spend $15 on them.  Or, god forbid, $50 for the carbon fiber ones.  Yes, really.

I’m really not sure if the reasoning behind such a purpose is “I’m a man’s man and I can’t whip out my balls in public to prove it to you without ‘the man’ coming down on me.”  Or maybe it’s “I had to get another pair because my wife keeps mine in her purse.”

Maybe I’ll manufacture some giant penises that can be slipped over the antenna of the truck… Just so they can look a little gayer.  Better yet, I’m going to put out plastic vaginas that you put on your Prius.  By the way, according to “God of Spell Check”, vaginas isn’t a real word.  It should vaginae.  Who knew?

I love that they come in a variety of colors.  Blue, for after an unsuccessful night at the bar.  Pink, apparently to support breast cancer research.  Green… well I don’t really want to know what green is for.

The there’s the really fancy ones… Nuts with flames?  That’s something I generally try to avoid on my own.  Ladies…these could be a signal that it burns when he pees… Beware!

I’ve even seen ones with American flags all over them.  What kind of message does that send?  America… the world’s nut sack?

Strangely though… These nuts look soooooo small on these big giant huge trucks.  It’s like some weird automotive Freudian slip.

Or maybe it’s just that they don’t have any pubic hair, so they make the truck look bigger.

Update 4/16/10 – Some legislators now want to ban truck nuts because they find them offensive.  Stupid, yes.  Tasteless, yes.  A mark of stupidity? Yes.  But you know what else I find offensive?  Politicians who waste their time trying to legislate truck decorations.  I found out about it on this post.

Update 9/7/10 – Since I wrote this blog post, it’s been refined and rewritten as part of my live stand-up comedy show called “Be Yourself…Unless You’re An Idiot”.  Listen to my truck nuts bit and the rest of the DVD for free here.

Phil Johnson

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