She'll just plead insanity at her murder trial when you're dead, guys.

One of the major problems with having so much media at our fingertips constantly is that those media outlets have to often really stretch to find something worthwhile to talk about.  There really isn’t THAT much going on in the world.  So media outlets will usually opt for fear mongering of some sort to earn your eyeball time.

And I can hear you saying, “But Phil, isn’t that a little hypocritical of you to say since you’re writing a blog with that title and really only writing this because you spent the week writing new music instead of new comedy?”

Yes.

So anyway, Yahoo puts up this article about “6 Surprising Health Hazards Lurking In Your Home”.  That word “lurking” is always a good one to add when you’re fear-mongering.  And they highlight such life threatening atrocities as the air freshener refills in your plug-in thing, toothpaste toxins, and furniture polish fumes.

Let me assure you, the chances of you dying from any of those things is on par with you winning the lottery.  And you’ve seen how well that’s worked out for you.

Yes, don’t eat an entire tube of toothpaste.  Don’t inhale furniture polish directly from the nozzle.  And don’t eat your air fresheners.  If you do any of the above, you are no longer really welcome among human beings anyway.

So in response, let me offer “6 Real Non-Bullshit Health Hazards Waiting To Ambush You In Your Home”

1. That thing you keep hitting your knee on every time you walk by.  You know the corner of that coffee table that you’ve cracked your knee against so many times your significant other doesn’t even “poor baby” you anymore?  Move it already.

2. That stack of unopened mail on the counter.  It takes all of 1 minute each day to sort your mail and throw most of it out.  If you’ve got a big pile, chances are your credit report is going to sustain some injuries when you miss another payment.

3. The dirty dishes in the sink.  Your wife seriously considers killing you every time she sees them.  Really.  The dishwasher is right next to the sink.  Use it.

4. That horrendous mess of wiring connecting your home theater system.  Not because it’s a fire hazard.  Just because if you have to swap out a component you won’t know which wire goes to what and you’ll get all pissy about it and probably whack your head on the shelf above you.

5. Dust bunnies.  Yeah, I don’t know either.  But there has to be something evil about them.  They are probably antennas contacting an alien civilization that wants to destroy the Earth.  Or they’re just unsightly.

6. Those couple of old pictures of you and your ex stuffed under some sweaters in a drawer.  When your current significant other finds those, you’re going to wish you had just eaten an air freshener refill instead.