I’ll probably be watching the Oscars this weekend. But on at least a 20 minute delay because my girlfriend can’t sit through commercials. Yay DVR. Like every awards show, they often seem a little arbitrary. So today I’m presenting my own awards to movies that should have won something, at some point, somewhere.
Eddie and the Cruisers (1983)
The story of Eddie Wilson, disaffected brooding rock singer who died… or maybe didn’t?…This movie was the beginning of rock star dreams for many an 80’s kid. Yep, the plot is kind of dopey and the acting a little sketchy. But the music (by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band) is quite the chunk of awesome. I still picture the scene where the band walks into the dark empty bar every time I walk into a new venue for my own shows.
The sequel, Eddie and the Cruisers II is a giant lump of shit.
The Cannonball Run (1981)
Burt Reynolds doing what Burt Reynold’s does best. Being ever so Burt Reynolds. One of the classic race movies that have unfortunately turned into race reality shows. No hot chick ever undoes the zipper of her skintight jumpsuit to get our of a speeding ticket in The Amazing Race. But if you like 1980’s sports cars driving fast, don’t miss this movie. Cannonball Run actually did win a Golden Screen award in Germany and a Razzie in the US. Farrah Fawcett as worst supporting actress.
Cannonball Run II (and III?) is a giant lump of shit.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)
Some movies are so bad they’re good. We need an award for Best Terrible Film. And in this lost cinematic gem Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there’s no one on Mars to hand out presents to Martian children. Amazing how they came up with Christmas and missed the whole Santa thing, eh? Be sure to watch for the makeup that progressively comes off throughout the film. My favorite scene is when the guy lifts up the top of a spaceship control panel to hide inside and there’s not a single wire to be seen.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians II was never made. Had it been, it would have been a giant lump of shit. Oh, and this YouTube video is actually the entire movie. Because nobody gives a damn if it’s stolen.
How much more badass does a movie have to be to win something? Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in his best role ever. Kurt Russell in a giant mustache? How can you miss? Ladies, walk up to any man over the age of 25 and say, “I’ll be your Huckleberry” and he’ll be eating out of the palm of your hand. This movie was nominated for a couple of MTv Movie Awards which is barely a step up from being voted “Cutest Boy” in junior high.
Tombstone II was never made because everyone was dead.
The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964)
Not only is there some groundbreaking animation mixed with live action sequences (long before Roget Rabbit), but you have Don Knott’s in one of the best roles as a man that turns into a fish and ends up helping the military win the war. Great one to watch with the kids or when you just need to see a fish help blow up ships.
Blazing Saddles (1974)
I’m stretching my premise on this one. Blazing Saddles was nominated for a few Oscars. Madeline Kahn was up for best supporting actress and lost to Ingrid Bergman in “Murder On The Orient Express”. The film did win a Writer’s Guild Award. But comedies are notoriously shat upon at the Oscars (go Bridesmaids!) and this should have won something. You have to figure a movie that people still quote nearly 40 years later should be held in slightly higher esteem by the industry. Go ahead, quote me one line from “Murder On The Orient Express”…
So when you’re watching the Oscars on Sunday remember that there’s more to movie life than golden statues.
Hey, don’t forget to download my greatest hits for free at www.PhilJComedy.com
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