There’s a life strategy that works very well for getting out of something you don’t want to do. Do it badly. You’ll never be asked or expected to do it again. Unfortunately, my girlfriend has already figured this out and it doesn’t work for me that well anymore. Hence, I’m still mowing the lawn.
But let’s say you have to get a Christmas gift for that co-worker that nobody likes because you got everyone else something. We’re just about a week out from Christmas and you don’t have any ideas yet. But you also don’t want to be stuck with having to do it again next year.
Here’s the criteria for an awesomely bad Christmas gift:
– It should be cheap.
– It should be just quirky enough to peak their interest in the first seconds of opening the gift so the disappointment sets even deeper when they see what it actually is.
– It should cause a WTF reaction. “Why would you get me this?”
– It shouldn’t be easily returnable so they have to keep it on hand and wonder about you every time they see it before finally dumping it for a nickel at a garage sale 10 years from now.
Let’s see what we can come up with…
Dogs On TV – This classic was passed around in white elephant gifts in my family for years. I credit my younger brother, Ryan, with finding it. He does things like that. It’s like a little Viewmaster featuring pictures of dogs. Like I Can Has Cheezeburger but without the actual attempts at humor.
Breathalyzer Key Chain – Nothing says “Steve, we think you have a problem” like this little gem. Give it to him just after he’s said something incredibly fire-able to the boss at the company holiday party. Or, if your co-worker is attractive and has a tendency to lose clothing when liquored up… don’t bother with this gift. They already have a gift.
Hot Doll For Dogs – Admittedly, this doesn’t fit in the cheap category. But if you REALLY want to freak out the person that won’t shut up about their dog, give them this bizarre modern art-y looking doggie sex doll. Especially fitting if you get humped every time you stop by the house.
Jesus Shaves Mug – A fantastic choice for either the annoying bible thumper or the guy that has absolutely no sense of humor and never gets the joke in your life. Jeezy-Boy starts off with a beard that magically disappears when hot liquid is poured in the cup.
Gummy Fetuses – If you like to do the coffee mug filled with candy thing, these make a lovely addition and really signal that you support the bible thumper’s anti-abortion stance too.
Toilet Coffee Mug – Ok, I won’t lie. Putting the gummy fetuses in the toilet mug makes a much stronger statement. Wonderful gift for fans of the show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant!”
Psycho Shower Curtain and Bath Mat – If you really want to let a person know they shouldn’t ever speak to you again and possibly should turn around when approaching you in a hallway, give them this lovely bath set featuring bloody hand and foot prints. Better yet, fold it so you can’t see the red and replace it in a regular shower curtain bag. Let them figure it out when they get home and take it out.
Inflatable Meat Loaf – There is absolutely no good explanation for this product. Sure to induce total silence in the gift giving room. Just smile real big and say, “Don’t you like it?”
The Ex Knife Holder – The perfect gift for step-children, baby daddys, baby mamas, and people you’re stalking. When they open it, just say, “Oh gosh! I saw this and totally thought of you!”
“Be Yourself…Unless You’re An Idiot” T-Shirt – WTF? How’d that get in here? 😉 It’s what everyone is thinking about everyone else they see. Let’s just put it out there. Comes in a variety of colors. I know, because I have a case of them here in my office.
Important Note! -None of these gifts work on hipsters. They find irony in everything, while we’re really looking for discomfort here. Your only option with a hipster is to give them a very normal, boring, earnest gift and watch them try to find the ironic joke in it.